Recently a friend wrote a post that made something go click in my brain. All of a sudden the walls crumbled around me. I realized I had sinned in my marriage and made myself think it was ok. Kinda. It made me realize deeper and deeper that I had a dirty little sin and I didn’t even know it.
This sin in my marriage- it felt like when you realize you’ve sinned and can’t really admit it to yourself out loud because ‘to you’ it feels like this enormous sin that people will see as a big red pimple on your face. Yeah that.
I couldn’t face that. I couldn’t face just one more thing I’d been doing wrong. One more sin added to my list. I thought and prayed about it and realized that I’d been ignoring my sin because of a couple of reasons.
1. I thought that while growing up I was treated a certain way, and I was thinking that I could just blame it on my childhood.
2. I thought since I had recognized my sin, that I knew through Gods word that it was wrong and that I was shameful and repenting to God- that I was fine and all is forgiven.
Now of course we are always forgiven. However I had never confessed my sin out loud to my husband OR asked for forgiveness. I had never considered putting his needs and our marriage before my own reconciliation.
I thought that because I knew Gods word that I was good, so to speak. I had realized my sin and was working on ‘fixing’ it so I was in the clear.
I couldn’t have been more wrong. My husband needs to know that I need his forgiveness. I need to make his needs a priority in my life and he needs to see that in me. Even if my love isn’t perfect, it’s forgiven. My husband should have the opportunity to forgive and love me. Forgiveness and love go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other, especially in a marriage.
I had forgotten that. Plus I’m not so good at being loved. I don’t feel lovable, I don’t feel worthy. Whew, I said it out loud. That was a little rough coming out.
My pride has gotten in my own way. I have always known that I’m forgiven by God. No matter what. But my low self esteem won’t let me feel that love. Not that deep unrelenting love. It’s unfathomable and that’s why it’s so awesome…..and a gift.
And that’s my dirty little sin. I have a hard time accepting love. But I’m working on it. And my true Father knows that.