Holding on when dark Depression creeps in

depression

Where have I been?  I think I mentioned this in another post but since I’m starting fresh here on Living Leigh I though I’d not only share but offer and explanation for my disappearance.

Last summer and fall of 2013 my depression came over me.  It swallowed me whole and for the first time in my life I didn’t know how to respond.  I didn’t know what to do.  I though of God and his love for me, but I had no energy or desire to pray or to speak.  I would spend days in bed, days alone, many hours that would turn into days just in my own dazing thoughts.  I’m not really sure where the time went because before I knew it, it had been 6 months.

I desired to be online, to be writing my soul.  But my body did not reciprocate.  My body was tired and weary.  It was recovery I suppose.  Then I promised myself the new year would bring new energy, and it didn’t.  I wasn’t leaning on God the way I should’ve been.  I wasn’t anywhere near to knowing who I was anymore and wasn’t sure I was important enough to write for y’all.  What did I have to offer??  The demons inside were starting to eat at me and I was fighting them.  Then things started to look up, I started to get back into the online world.  It seemed like I was starting to get my writing mojo back.

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Then it hit.  And HARD.

While in an overnight procedure visit at the hospital for my son in February, I got the Norovirus.  Let me just tell you that this virus is no joke.  I got it bad.  I was in 3 ER’s in first 10 days.  Then I started back with my GI doctor for ongoing symptoms.  We did lots of testing and still couldn’t find anything.  I was in bed for almost 2 months, and I even had to relearn how to walk further than to the bathroom it had been so long.  It’s now 4 months later.  My immune system is still compromised, I’ve gotten 2 other illnesses and I’m still having GI symptoms from the original virus.  I’m praying that my body will heal enough for me to get this next test done soon.  That’s where I’m at now physically.

I’m dealing with this depression of being a stay at home mom who couldn’t do laundry, dishes or mostly anything for at least 3 months.  Talk about mommy guilt.  My husband stepped in, taking care of me physically for about a month, along with the kids and household duties.  I still can’t imagine how he managed all of that on top of his full time job.  No matter how grateful I am towards him for all of the amazing things he did for our family during that time, nothing will subside my guilt for not being able to do what is required of me as a mother.  Or rather what guilt I put upon myself for letting my family down.

But it’s not during that time that I felt that guilt.  It’s current.  It’s the guilt of not being able to jump, or even walk back into my responsibilities.  I’m not very good at giving myself slack.  I feel the need to keep those responsibilities in check so that I can keep my home in order.

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I’m pretty sure that flew out the window for SURE this year.  I haven’t known how to deal with this new territory for me.  I have no idea on how to not do what I feel responsible to do.  I am leaning on God so much, or at least trying to in my own way.  But our family is being stressed and stretched so much right now that I’m mostly hopeless.  I cling to the day to day.  The hope that God instills in us to wake to a fresh new day.

So that’s me, right now, the real and the ugly.  I’m back to writing and hope to hear from y’all.

much love for all who have stayed connected to me, you have no idea how much your love means to me.

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